Memories
I can feel the river rushing past,
All those thoughts and memories,
That didn’t last.
The shadows loom,
In the darkest corner,
Hiding from unwanted life,
Which has now become my mourner.
My senses go limp,
I close my eyes and pray,
Sorry for the life I had,
Sorry for giving it all away.
But I can’t take any more abuse,
I don’t want to face any more tears,
And going with You,
I will have no more fears.
Please hold on to me,
Lift me from this lowly life,
One I”ve lived for too long,
One that has cut me like a knife.
I can feel my mind slipping,
Strong hands grabbing mine,
All shadows cast away,
Because I know I’ll be fine.
This poem is about a girl who is abused, so she jumps into a river to commit suicide. While she is dying she thinks about her life and starts asking God to forgive all her sins and bring her up to Heaven.
I hope you like it! This is my first poem posted here. I've written a lot, though! Maybe I'll post them someday. This one is my newest.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
I love the ideas you've come up with behind the poem. They are passionate, and I think if you keep working, you will continue to improve.
Hope to read more of your work in the future.
You have a really good basic idea there. I did struggle to find a rhythm, probably due to the in-forced 'over-the-top' rhyming. I like the basis.
That was nice.
Keep writing.
BrokenWings--
Dump the abstracts. Cut a wrist and let us watch it bleed. As you actually feel life losing you, you might gain a poem. Now that might be interesting.
Best,
Brad
It's definitely an interesting idea. However, the forced rhyming just kills it. Corner/Mourner? Life/knife? Tears/Fears? They don't do anything for a reader (except perhaps practice for a "confused/bored/slightly disgusted" look). However, like I said before, it's an interesting idea and could be something really beautiful, given a little revision. Okay, a lot of revision. My suggestion: Live a lot, write a little more, come back to this idea and see what you can do. I'd bet all the money I don't have that it will be much, much, better.
Thank you XD
Its not fair! you're the same age as me but such a brilliant writer!
the poem is so sad and lovely at the same time
please write more!!!!!!
Charlotte